Well here she is….. the new moon fell on the first day of the new year, 2014. 19 years ago this happened and I feel like this is an auspicious sign, and not just because my favorite number is 19, but because 2013 knocked the wind out of me and I finally feel like I can breathe again. And I am really ready to choose a new road. 2013 created the space for that new road. That is really the nice way of saying that it actually just whooped my ass. In that deep, super intense, look in the mirror, look what you did, you’re in charge, you’re NOT in charge, you better pray, what do YOU want, you gotta hold the reigns and GO kinda way. And it blew me away on so many levels. And I wouldn’t take it back if I could.
My long time love relationship ended in the Summer of 2012 and I was just in denial COMPLETELY until 2013. Then I started to see the mirror. The mirror was filthy. It had not been looked in, at all, in years. And in that mirror I saw so much pain, so much heartache, so much awkwardness, such a deep look within, and such a shift in my whole being. I wanted to take the short cut, to beg him back into my life so I didn’t have to look at myself and be accountable for my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my life. But I couldn’t. I had to keep looking into the mirror. Because, I think….I hesitate to say, I think I am finally becoming an adult. At least that’s what I see adulthood as (because we all know I still dress like a three year old). Being an adult, to me, means taking responsibility for my own happiness, devoting to my inner/outer healing, looking honestly and truthfully at my wrongs, righting them, knowing when to surrender, knowing when to trust and just pray, knowing when to press on the gas, knowing when to break and just listen, and learning how to provide for my own spiritual growth. That’s some grown up work right there.
In the last few years of my relationship with my ex, I wasn’t doing much of that. I was pointing my finger. I was blaming. I was so afraid of that mirror, so very afraid of what I might actually see. I was in so much fear of being wholly seen, that I was distracting myself from me, all eyes looking outward, not inward. I needed this change, desperately. I am sad that it took losing that amazing & fantastical person from my life to learn these hard lessons, but I am so much more happy that I finally learned them, even if it did have to mean losing him. And by learning I mean I am constantly working on them. On myself. On being real. On being honest, wholehearted, vulnerable, strong, willing, devoted, trusting and equal parts light hearted. On looking into my mirror, as I polish and patiently witness.
My inner critic spent the last half of 2012 and the first half of 2013 screaming at me. What the F#%k did you do that for, you dumb ass. WHY? Why do you ruin EVERYTHING!? I screamed back at first, but then I just cried. and cried and cried and cried (still crying in fact). And I really looked at her, that angry and disappointed girl inside, and I let her just yell. Balls to the wall. And she went on for a LONG time, way longer than I thought or deemed appropriate. But instead of ignoring or chastising her, I just listened. I saw all of her pain underneath all that vulgar language, I held space for her anger, for her pain, I just held space. And she finally quieted down. And so I made a pact. With me. With all of the parts of me. To listen and to be seen. Wholeheartedly. In my big girl pants, my hot pants, my yoga pants, my three year old pants, no pants, even my woman baby pants. In my mirror, in my joy, in my pain, in my anger, in my love, in my sass, in my nurturing, loving, creative, fiery, supportive, extraordinarily hilarious and divine self. And we get along a lot better now. Because we are willing to be fully seen. I am willing to be fully seen. Thank you each and everyone of you for seeing me. I cannot even imagine what this year holds in store and how great is that?
forever in love with this mystery
happy new year moon mirror!
neko nicole elizabeth elko three sixty sequoia ebeneezer ethyl owl ursa major white zinfandel diamond witch ad infinitum